There was a time in my life when I spent far too much energy wondering what other people thought of me.
Did I say the right thing?
Did I say too much or too little?
Did they think I was strange?
Did I disappoint them?
Did they approve of my decision?
And perhaps the biggest question of all:
“What if they don’t like me?”
For a highly sensitive person, introvert, or someone who struggles with social anxiety, these questions can become exhausting.
Here’s what I’ve learned: The problem isn’t necessarily that you care what people think. The problem is caring more about what other people think than what you think.
That distinction changed a lot for me.
📖 A New Book Is in the Works
I’m currently working on a new book, Highly Sensitive, Introverted, or Socially Anxious?
Drawing on decades of personal experience, I’m exploring what it means to live with sensitivity, introversion, and social anxiety—and how understanding these parts of ourselves can help us move from self-doubt toward greater self-awareness and self-acceptance.
The book is still a work in progress, but I’m looking forward to sharing more with you as it takes shape. More details coming soon.
The Advice I Don’t Completely Agree With
We’ve all heard the advice: Stop caring what other people think.
It sounds liberating, but I’ve never found it particularly realistic. I don’t think we’re supposed to stop caring entirely.
Other people’s opinions can contain useful information. They may see things in us that we don’t see ourselves. A loved one may have advice we genuinely need to hear. And sometimes we hurt or disappoint others, and we should care about that.
Instead of not caring, I want to be someone who listens to feedback without automatically surrendering my own judgment.
That’s different—and, for me, much healthier.
The Real Question Isn’t What Do They Think?
It’s: “What do I think?”
That sounds simple, but it can be difficult if you’ve spent years adapting yourself to other people’s expectations.
You may have become so good at anticipating what others want that you’ve stopped asking yourself what you want. You may automatically say yes, avoid difficult conversations, choose the “safe” option, or apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong simply because someone is unhappy with you.
I’ve done versions of all of these, and I’ve learned something important:
You can be considerate without being controlled by expectations.
I can care that someone disagrees with me without changing my decision. I can listen to criticism without accepting it as truth. I can respect someone’s opinion without making it my opinion.
And perhaps most importantly:
I can disappoint someone and still be a good person.
As a highly sensitive person, another person’s disappointment can feel enormous. I notice changes in tone and facial expressions. I replay conversations and wonder what I should have said differently.
But another person’s reaction doesn’t automatically mean I’ve done something wrong.
A Different Way to Think About Other People’s Opinions
Instead of asking:
“What will they think of me?”
I’ve found it more useful to ask:
“Is there something useful here for me to consider?”
The first question puts you on trial. The second puts you in the driver’s seat.
If someone criticizes me, I can pause. Is there truth in what they’re saying? Is this someone whose judgment I trust? Does their opinion fit with what I know about myself? Is there something I can learn, or are they simply seeing the situation from their own perspective?
I don’t have to answer immediately. I don’t have to defend myself, and I don’t have to change.
I can simply consider.
That little bit of space between hearing someone’s opinion and reacting to it can be incredibly powerful.
Your Life Cannot Be a Group Project
Here’s my unconventional thought:
Your life is not a committee decision.
Other people can advise, encourage, and warn you. They can love you, disagree with you, and even be disappointed in you.
But ultimately, you’re the one who has to live with your choices.
Someone may disagree with your career choice, question your relationship, or think you’re making a mistake. They may even be certain they’re right. But their certainty doesn’t make them correct.
At some point, you have to develop enough trust in yourself to say:
“I’ve listened. I’ve considered what you’ve said. And I’m still going to make my own decision.”
That’s not selfish. That’s self-trust and self-awareness in action.
What Helped Me Most
I didn’t suddenly become someone who stopped caring about other people’s opinions. Instead, I gradually became more interested in understanding myself.
What are my values?
What gives me energy?
What drains me?
What am I willing—or unwilling—to tolerate?
The more I understood myself, the less I needed everyone else to validate my choices.
You may still care. You may still worry or occasionally second-guess yourself. That’s okay.
The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is having enough inner stability to come back to yourself.
For Adults
As adults, we can forget how much of our identity was shaped by other people’s expectations—parents, teachers, friends, partners, employers, or society.
Over time, those expectations can become so familiar that we mistake them for our own.
Maybe you’ve spent years being the dependable, agreeable, or responsible one. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s worth asking:
Are you setting your own expectations, or simply continuing those that were handed to you?
Perhaps you’ve stayed in a situation longer than you wanted because you didn’t want to disappoint someone. Maybe you’ve avoided trying something because you feared looking foolish, or become so accustomed to considering everyone else’s needs that you have difficulty identifying your own.
You don’t have to tear your life apart or make dramatic changes.
But you might ask yourself:
“If I weren’t worried about what other people thought, what would I do differently?”
Even if you don’t change anything, knowing the answer can be revealing.
For Young Adults
If you’re a young adult, this can be especially complicated.
You’re making decisions about careers, relationships, friendships, where you live, what you believe, and who you want to become. At the same time, you’re surrounded by people—and social media—with strong messages about what you should be doing.
You may wonder:
“Am I falling behind? What will people think if I choose something different?”
Here’s something I wish more young adults were told:
You don’t have to have your entire life figured out.
Your first job doesn’t have to define your career. Your current interests don’t have to determine your future. Your friends don’t have to approve of every decision you make, and someone else’s timeline doesn’t have to become yours.
You’re allowed to experiment, change direction, and discover that something you thought you wanted isn’t right for you.
Instead of asking only:
“What should I do?”
Try asking:
“What am I learning about myself?”
You’re not simply trying to get everything right. You’re learning who you are—and that takes time.
A Moment to Reflect
Where in your life might you be giving someone else’s opinion more authority than your own?
You don’t have to change anything today. Just notice it.
Sometimes noticing is where self-trust begins.
The Important Takeaway
You don’t have to stop caring what people think. But you do have to stop assuming that what they think matters more than what you do.
Listen. Consider. Learn. Apologize when appropriate, and change when change is warranted.
But don’t automatically hand someone else the steering wheel simply because they have an opinion about your life.
You can care about people without abandoning yourself.
Perhaps that’s the real goal—not becoming someone who doesn’t care, but becoming someone who cares about others and trusts themselves.
From one sensitive soul to another,
Cliff Harwin
Onward & Upward
Explore more insights on Cliff Harwin’s Highly Sensitive Thoughts Blog. Each post offers encouragement, practical wisdom, and real-life reflections to help you live with greater confidence, calm, and self-understanding.
